Half a Coin
by 0-Nairobi-0
Summary: Can something lost ever truely be found again? Especially if that something was a friendship?
1. Chapter 1

**Random little fic that came into my mind and refused to leave (even though I asked nicely) until I wrote it down. Hope you like!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Boosh or any of the characters. They are just my favourite play-things.**

* * *

_I walk into the flat and see him sat on the sofa in the dark._

_"Howard? Why'd you leave early?"_

_"How could you do that to me, Vince?"_

_I pause. "Do what?"_

_"You know what. You humiliated me Vince."_

_"Come on, Howard, it was just a joke!"_

_"A joke? I didn't find it a joke." he stands up and starts to leave the room, trying to get away from me._

_"Come on, Howard, don't be like that! I'm sorry!"_

_"That's not good enough anymore."_

_I blink, momentarily stunned. "What?"_

_"It's not enough Vince."_

_"W-what do you mean?" I'm thrown. This isn't how it works. One of us fucks up, they apologise, the other forgives them and everything goes back to normal._

_"I can't do this anymore. The way you treat me in front of other people…I can't do this. I need to have more respect for myself."_

_"What're you on about; 'respect for yourself'? I'm not that bad, it's just joking around! Howard, we're mates…"_

_"But we're not, are we Vince?" He looks at me then, and his eyes look so…tired and dull. Like the light's been sucked out of them. "I don't know what we are, but we're not_

_mates. Haven't been for a long time."_

"_Course we have!" he turns and walks away from me into the bedroom. I follow, eyes widening as he takes out a case and starts putting stuff in it. "What're you doing?"_

"_Leaving."_

"_Howard please don't do this. Please."_

"_And what would change if I stayed, hmm? Nothing. I can't go on being the fall guy for you, Vince."_

"_Yeah…well…you won't leave! You need me. You need me as much as I need you!"_

_He looks at me again, considering me. "That's the problem." He says softly. Then he picks up his bag and heads for the door._

"_Go then! You'll be back; you won't last five minutes without me!"_

_He turns back then and I stare at him; waiting for some pathetic denial or witty retort. But all he does is shake his head at me before turning and disappearing into the night._

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

So that's what happened. Why I lost my best friend.

And you know what the worst part is? He never raised his voice. Throughout the whole exchange he never once shouted; just spoke in this weird defeated voice. He never yelled at me.

I think I might have felt better if he'd only yelled at me.

* * *

"Noir!"

I jump as the voice penetrates my thoughts. "Yes sir?"

"Do I pay you to daydream?"

I turn back to my paperwork, face turning red.

"I **said**, do I pay you to daydream?!"

I sigh inwardly. _Wanker_. "No Mr Jefferson. Sorry, Mr. Jefferson."

"Ok. Don't let me catch you not working again, or you'll find yourself unemployed Noir."

I watch him as he walks away, biting back the urge to tell him he can stick his job where the sun don't shine. I need this job; no-where else will take me.

Mr Jefferson is my boss at the office I work in. Naboo re-located the Nabootique to Spain about 2 years ago, and I didn't want to leave. So I ended up here, in a job I hate with a boss who hates me. It really isn't fair; I never met anyone who didn't like me before. It seems like a shitty joke that when I do, they're the one in charge of signing my paycheque and giving me my workload.

"You ok, Vince?"

I smile at the woman in the cubical next to mine. "Yeah, genius."

She smiles back. "Don't worry about him. He couldn't really fire you."

"Sometimes I wish he would," I sigh.

"Why don't you just quit?"

"Nicole, I've got not even got any GCSEs. I only got this job coz my old boss did a favour for Jefferson's old man. If I don't have this job I'm screwed."

"You fancy coming out for a drink tonight? Seems like you need cheering up."

"Sorry, Nicole. Maybe some other time."

"Well, if you're sure." She looks slightly disappointed, but I can't help that.

* * *

Somehow I manage to make it through the rest of the day. I walk home in a daze, not really looking where I'm going so it almost comes as a shock to find myself outside my front door. I let myself in, hoping I'll be alone…

"Oi, Vince! That you mate?"

No such luck. "Yeah. Hi Andy."

"You coming out tonight? There's a couple of girls gonna be there; totally desperate slappers so it's a sure thing!"

"Nah. Not really in the mood."

I escape into my room and shut the door. Andy's great, but he's not exactly the best flat mate. I sometimes miss being able to come home and find Bollo in the kitchen making something for me; or Naboo looking for someone to test some sort of spell; or Howard…

But this is my life now. And I have to live with it.

_

* * *

_

I'm dreaming. I know I'm dreaming, because I recognise the church in front of me. I used to come here as a kid and I loved it, but the place has long since been torn down. It's been a long time since I had one of these dreams. It's an old recurring dream I used to have.

_A dream about my funeral._

_I never told anyone I had them, not sure if its normal to dream of your own funeral, seems a bit weird. It's always the same though; the crowds of people crying for me, anyone who's ever rejected me sobbing how they'd missed the love of their life…_

_Only this time when I enter the church it's different. It's over half empty to start with. And people aren't crying or grieving, they're yawning and looking bored; listening to their iPod or texting. A couple of people are even giggling about something._

"_Can we get this over with already?" I hear one girl complain looking at her watch, "I'm getting my nails done at 4."_

"_I can't believe I'm missing the football for this!"_

_These people don't care. They're acting like my death is some big inconvenience…_

_I run out of the church unable to take any more. When did it change? I used to love this dream, hearing all the nice things people would say about me, (I know technically I would be the one thinking them, but who cares?)._

_Then I see someone standing at the gates, talking to what looks like the minister._

"_You here for the funeral? I hear him ask._

"_No. just came to drop these off." Says the man, holding up some cheap looking flowers._

"_Did you know the deceased?"_

"_Yeah. Used to work with him."_

_The minister smiles, looking a little desperate. "Any chance you could say a few words? No-one else wants to."_

_The man checks his watch. "Sorry, no. I have places to be." He looks up. "Besides, I wouldn't have anything nice to say." He walks away from the church and the minster shrugs, heading back inside._

I wake up, face wet and my bed sheets twisted round my ankles, trying to slow my breathing which is coming out in choked little sobs.

They say you can't feel pain in dreams, but as I watched Howard walk away from the church I swear I felt my heart crack. And it hurt.

* * *

A week later and I'm stood outside a jazz club. The one where I know Howard works.

I don't know why I'm here, except that that dream I had the other day really scared me. I mean, who wants a funeral where no-one wants to be there? I feel a sudden rush of understanding about why Howard was angry about his piss-poor funeral back at the zoo.

A woman gives me a weird look as she walks out of the club. I stare after her confused, wondering whether my hair looks bad or something. Why did she look at me like that?

Then I realise; I was standing in this same spot about an hour ago when she first went in. Oops.

Why am I even here? This is stupid, it's been three years since I last saw Howard; why this sudden desire to talk to him? I turn to leave, but then a voice stops me in my tracks.

A familiar northern voice.

"Vince?"

I turn. "Um…hey, Howard."

He doesn't look pleased to see me. I mean, he doesn't look annoyed or anything; just like he doesn't really care but still a bit surprised. The way you'd greet a neighbour you never speak to who suddenly turned up on your doorstep. "What're you doing here?"

"I was just…umm…passing through and I thought I'd look in on you."

"How do you know where I work?"

Oh. I know where he works because I've been keeping track of him since he left. Not in a stalker-ish way or anything, just…but I don't want him knowing that. "Leroy mentioned it." This is half true. He told me Howard worked in 'some jazz shit hole', but he never mentioned the name. Luckily Howard doesn't seem to question my explanation.

"Oh."

I wait for him to say something else, but he doesn't. "You look good." I tell him, then cringe inwardly as I realise that's the sort of thing you say when you meet an ex, not when you meet an old friend.

"Thanks." He looks awkward.

"So…do you want to grab a coffee or something?"

He checks his watch and glances back towards the club. I can tell he's trying to think of an excuse not to go with me.

It surprises me how much that hurts, actually.

"Of course, if you're busy now you can name a time you are free?" I see a cornered look come over his face. That's a trick I learned when I was younger and wanted to go out with someone. If you specify a date and time, people can claim to be busy. Tell them to name a time and they're forced to meet with you. I mean, no-one can claim to be busy forever can they?

"Sure. We can get one now." He says, then looks back at the jazz club as though hoping it's suddenly gonna fall down or catch fire or something. Anything that would mean he had to take a rain-check.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"So, how are you?" I ask five minutes later, once we're both sat at the café table with our drinks.

"Fine."

"You like working at the jazz club?"

"Yeah. Yeah, it's…good."

"Exciting work is it?" I ask sarcastically, and am rewarded by a small chuckle.  
"Compared to the Nabootique, I wouldn't call it exciting, no. but I do like it, I work with great people."

I don't like the way he implies he didn't work with 'great people' at the Nabootique.

"What about you, you still working there?"

I look up at him in surprise. "Naboo moved to Spain about 2 years ago!"

"Oh. Nice of him to mention it."

Oh shit, now he looks pissed off. "I'm working in an office now."

His eyebrows shoot up. "An office? You??"

"Why do you say it like that?"

"Oh, no reason." He takes a drink of his coffee, but I still catch the small smirk on his face. "So, do you like it?"

I pull a face. "No, I hate it. My boss is a total git, and it's boring as hell."

He smiles again. God, he's got such a nice smile.

"I miss you."

I only realise I've spoken out loud when Howard chokes on his coffee. Shit.

"I'm sorry?" Howard asks.

I take a deep breath. "I miss you. I miss the crimping and the banter and stuff. It hasn't been the same without you."

Howard looks at me for a long moment.

**

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And that's the end of part 1! Don't want to make it too long or it might put people off reading

****** will be a two parter (or a three parter if I get more ideas.), but I still haven't decided whether I'm going to have a nice happy ending or an angsty one! What would people like to see?**

**Reviews are genius x**


	2. Chapter 2

**Ok, update! **

* * *

Howard just looks at me. For a second, something flashes in his eyes; some emotion that's gone too fast for me to analyse. He sighs. "Why're you here, Vince?"

I blink, confused. "I told you. I was in the area and I thought I'd look you up because I missed you."

"Yes, I know all that. I meant _why_. Why now? I mean, I miss my parents but it doesn't mean I'm gonna go all the way to Leeds. So why come and see me **now**?"

I don't know how to answer him. A million lies I could tell flash across my mind, but when I look in his eyes I realise none of them will do. I lied to him so often; telling the truth now is the least I can do. "I don't know." I admit. "I just wanted to…" I trail off, embarrassed.

To my surprise, Howard smiles at me. "You don't know." He repeats, his voice rife with amusement and something I can't quite place.

I shrug, a small smile on my face. "How are you anyway?"

"You asked me that already."

"Oh." I struggle to think of something to say. I remember when I used to be able to tell Howard everything. He was the only person I trusted enough to tell everything to.

We sit in silence for a while, my coffee going cold on the table in front of me. Howard glances at the clock.

"Listen Vince, I need to be getting back. I'm only meant to take an hour so…"

"Right." I look up at him. "Maybe we could meet up again?" I try not to sound too pleading.

"I don't know…" he looks uncertain.

"Come on Howard! Please? It's been three years; surely you can't still be mad at me?"

He sighs again. "Do you even understand why I left, Vince?" he asks slowly. He locks onto my eyes and neither of us says anything for a few seconds.

"I…"

"Howard?" We both turn to the woman who just spoke. I stare at her. She's attractive, but not the sort of girl you'd associate with beauty; I mean, she'd never be a model. But she's got one of those interesting faces you can't help staring at. "Who's this?" she asks, shooting me a look which almost makes me fall of my chair in surprise. It's a look I know extremely well – the one that says 'what're you doing with my boyfriend/girlfriend?' – It's not a look I normally associate with Howard.

"This is Vince." Howard explains, turning slightly red for some reason. She looks back at me again with confusion in her eyes. Then her face brightens and she laughs.

"Oh! I'm sorry, with the long hair and everything…" she trails off with a shrug. I know what she was gonna say though. She thought I was a woman. She thought I was competition. She looks at Howard suddenly, and a frown appears on her forehead. "Hold on – Vince? As in…?"

"Vince, this is my girlfriend Ella." Howard interrupts, turning really red now.

"Hi!" I say, my voice a little too bright. Girlfriend? Since when did Howard have any success with women?

_Since he doesn't have you to contend with._ Says a little voice in my brain. I look at Howard for a moment, trying to see him not as a friend; but as a potential partner. He is sort of nice looking I guess. Ok, so he doesn't have the razor sharp cheekbones or striking jaw-line that make up my look and send girls wild; but he's still sort of hot in a scruffy rugged sort of way.

I wonder why no-one ever noticed that before. Why _I_ never noticed that before.

Hold on a minute, what did she mean by that last comment? As in…what? What's he said about me?

"Ella works with me at the club." Howard tells me. I can see him giving her a warning look. Evidently he doesn't want me finding out what he's said about me.

I can understand why. It's hardly gonna be good stuff, given how we parted.

"That's…nice." I say. Why did she have to come along now?

"Howard, we should be getting back." She told him. "It was nice to meet you, Vince."

She didn't look like it was nice to meet me. She was looking at me like I was something nasty. I could see them arguing outside the café. It was only when she looked back in at me that I realised what she was annoyed about was that he was with me.

Howard looks back at me as she drags him away, and I see that strange look in his eyes again. He does miss me, right? He has to.

What the hell is her problem?

* * *

I stare blankly at the forms in front of me, trying to remember what I'm supposed to be doing. I glance at the clock and see its only 10 am. Still ages until my lunch break.

I wonder what Howard's doing? It felt…nice, seeing him again yesterday. Like finding something you weren't even aware you'd lost.

"Noir!"

I look round. "Yes, Mr Jefferson?"

"Where are those reports I asked you to compile?!"

I glance down at the almost empty forms and papers on my desk. Ah. "Err…nearly done sir!"

"You'd better be. I'm watching you, Noir. Don't think you'll get by forever on what Naboo did for my dad, because you won't."

"Yes sir. Of course sir." It takes all my will power to keep the sarcasm out of my voice. I bend back over the papers and begin reading.

"Hi, Vince."

I look up in surprise. "Jason! Hi." What's he doing over here? If Jefferson sees him he's gonna be screwed.

"I was wondering if you were free tonight?" he asks, almost nervously. "Like…to go out. With me."

I blink in surprise. I didn't even know Jason was gay. He is sort of cute, in a boy band sort of way. All blonde highlights and blue eyes. "Um…sure! Why not?"

He smiles. "Great. I'll pick you up at 8?"

"Sure."

As he leaves, I slump in my chair, confused. I just got a date, I should be happier about this, surely?

I look over at the clock again. Screw it, I deserve an early lunch. I can just pretend I was at the copier or something. Picking up my bag, I head out of the building breathing in the morning air. Just walking, no-where to go. Having decided I wanted an early lunch, I'm not really that hungry. I'm not gonna be able to take another break again either, which means I wont eat. Oh well, I could probably do with dropping a few pounds…

Hold on, how the hell did I end up here? This is the jazz club. Ok, now I'm gonna look like a stalker or something. I turn to leave, when a voice stops me.

"Vince?" A woman. Not Howard. I spin round.

"Um…Ellie, yeah?"

"Ella."

"Right."

"What're you doing here?"

"I was just…walking."

"You'd better keep walking."

Is she threatening me? "What?"

"You heard. Don't come here again."

"Hold on a minute!"

"Howard has had enough to deal with in his life without you turning up again and fucking things up like you did the first time…"

First time?

"I…"

"Me and Howard are together, and we're happy, so don't fuck this up for us. Go away and don't contact Howard again."

She turns and walks back into the club, leaving me standing outside in shock feeling slightly cold.

**

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**

Ok, one more chapter. This isn't going at all how i planned, but never mind lol.

**I know this isn't a very strong chapter, but it was the best place to end it I think!**

**I'm still not entirely sure how i'm gonna end this. Angst/friends/howince...the possibilities are (almost) endless! Lol.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Man…this has taken me forever to update! Sorry guys! I'm sure the vast majority of you have forgotten all about this story…but hopefully you'll still read it!**

**Dedicated to JantoFan, for all her help with BETA-ing this chapter :)**

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* * *

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Three weeks later

I can't believe how much my life has gotten better, just by having Howard in it. It's been less than a month since he started talking to me again, and I genuinely think it's the happiest I've been in two years.

Of course, my boyfriend Jason might have something to do with that. Not that we've even done anything yet, which is weird for me. I know I haven't had a partner in ages, but I definitely always bedded them within the first week. So why's this taking me so long?

I guess I'm just distracted by having Howard back in my life. We meet up about three times a week.

Always in a different café.

And always without Ella knowing. Or Jason…

It makes me feel a bit weird, actually. Us keeping these meetings a secret from our partners. Almost like I'm the 'other woman'…and wait, that thought should really freak me out a bit more. Why doesn't the thought of having an affair with Howard freak me out?!

"Hey gorgeous." I hear Jason say, and turn and smile.

"Hey, you."

"You up for dinner tonight?"

"Sure!"

"See you later." he bends down and kisses me, and I smile and bite my lip suggestively at him.

But as he walks away, I can't help feeling something's missing.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I walk into today's café and look around. He's not here yet, so I get a table and sit down, drumming my fingers nervously.

It wasn't like this at first, was it? The nerves and butterflies before I met up with him? The way I can't help but smile when I catch sight of him? That's the sort of way you should feel about your partner, right?

But I don't. It isn't like this with Jason, it's…but I like Jason. And I'm with Jason, and Howard and I are just friends. Definitely just friends…

"Vince."

I look up in shock. Fuck, it's Ella. Howard's girlfriend. "Alright?" I glance nervously at the door. If Howard walks in now, she is going to go mental.

"Don't bother. He's not coming."

I snap my gaze back to her. "What?"

"Howard. He isn't coming."

"How do you know…?"

"He told me he's been meeting you. I warned you, I warned you to stay the hell out of his life!"

"You don't own him!"

"Neither do you! Who the fuck do you think you are? You think he'll just drop everything because you say to? Because he won't. He loves me, and he'll do anything I say. You're just an unpleasant reminder of his past."

She turns to go, and I jump out of my seat and follow her outside. "He's my friend, and if I want to see him I will."

She spins round. "No you won't. This is your final warning, Vince. I mean it. Come near him again, and I promise you I _will_ make you sorry."

"No. Fuck that, I've missed him for too long to stop seeing him now."

Ella looks like she's about to hit me. "Fine!" she snaps. "If you won't stop seeing him, I'll just tell him to stop seeing you." she sneers. "He's mine, Vince. Face it; you've lost."

What does she mean by that?

* * *

"I had a really good time." Jason says, standing at the door to his flat. "Do you want to come in?"

Thing is, I really need cheering up right now. Ella really got to me. "Yeah." Don't judge me, ok?

He grins and takes my hand, leading me upstairs.

The second we're in the living room he begins kissing me, sliding his hands up under my shirt. I let out an involuntary gasp. It feels really good to be touched again.

We stumble back into the bedroom, shedding my shirt as we go, and collapse onto his bed, Jason kissing and biting and licking almost every inch of me he can reach…

Suddenly he stops and pulls back, frowning slightly.

"What's wrong?" I ask, panting slightly.

"You just called me Howard."

Oh fuck. "No I didn't."

"You did. Who's Howard?"

"He's…no-one."

"Is he your...ex?"

"No! He's no-one. Look, I should go." I gather up my shirt and pull it on over my head.

"You don't have to…"

"I think I do."

"Vince, I don't want you to leave."

I glance at him and then hurry from the flat, feeling like a cheap whore.

I stand at the bus stop on the corner, tears pouring down my face, half hoping and half fearing that Jason's gonna follow me out.

_Fuck, fuck, fuck. _How the hell did this happen? Howard's my friend, that's all, nothing more.

So why the hell did I just say his name in _that _situation?

It's only when the bus pulls in I realise I don't know where I want to go.

"Where to, mate?"

"Um…" I stand there for way too long. Shit, the driver looks annoyed now. Could he throw me off the bus? Before I realise what I'm doing, I've given the name of the stop near where I know Howard lives and paid my fair.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do when I get there. Act friendly I guess. I could ask him out for a drink?

I get off and look at the tall building. I hesitate beside the intercom, wondering what I should say. What if he doesn't want to let me in?

At that moment an old man walks out of the building, and I quickly rush inside before the door can close again. "I'm visiting a friend. His bell's broken." I explain, and hurry upstairs before he can respond. As I reach the top and step out into the corridor, I feel suddenly nervous.

Why?

Why do I feel so nervous? He's a friend, he's just a friend, despite what happened earlier at Jason's…no, stupid Vince, don't dwell on that!

Is he my friend? Back in the Nabootique that's defiantly all it was. We were friends, best friends, but that was it. And when we met a month ago I only felt friendship. But now…what, exactly? He's not my type at all. The idea of us being a couple is stupid, ridiculous.

But not unwanted. Shit.

I knock on Howard's door, and almost instantly regret it when I hear footsteps. He pulls the door open and I go to say 'hi', but then freeze.

"Fuck, you look terrible!"

"Thanks." he responds dryly.

"No, but…Howard, what happened?"

"Ella left me."

"Oh. I'm sorry."

"We had this blazing row. She said she didn't mind competing with a memory, but not a person."

"What? Whose memory?"

Howard looks at me, as if only just remembering I'm there. "No-one's. She was just making up excuses."

"Oh. Well, I'm sorry. She seemed…um…erm…well, you liked her."

"Yeah I did. Did you want anything?"

"Um…not really. Just wanted to see if, y'know, you fancied a drink, but I…I'll leave you alone."

I turn to go. "Vince. It's fine. You can come in." Howard says gently.

I look around Howard's flat. It's bloody tiny. And it's about as far from the old flat above the Nabootique as is possible to get. It's all decorated in beige and nutmeg and muffin…bloody hell, I know a lot of different shades of brown. That's quite disturbing, actually.

"Do you want a drink?" Howard asks, coming into the room after me.

"Yeah. Cheers, Howard."

He pauses as he hands me the bottle. "Um…Vince?"

"Yeah?"

"How did you know where I live?"

"I…" _quick think of a lie, think of a lie. _"I followed you home from the jazz club." _Shit. That was __**not**__ a lie, what is wrong with you?!_

"You followed…?" Howard stares at me in disbelief. This may well be the moment I get a smack and thrown out of his flat. Then, to my surprise, he laughs. "You never were one for being normal, were you little man?"

_Little man._ My heart leaps slightly at the old affectionate nickname. Howard's expression doesn't falter; so either he hasn't noticed he used it, or he doesn't mind.

"Who wants to be normal?" I say, taking a swig from the bottle. Howard grins at me, and I feel suddenly warmer. Which is very weird.

* * *

This is great. I've been here for over an hour, and we've been talking and laughing just like we used to. Almost, anyway. There's still something different, and slightly off, about the way he looks at me. But the frostiness at the start has gone.

"So, what will you do now? Won't it be awkward at the club, with Ella and everything?"

Howard shrugged. "I suppose. Can't really be helped though, can it?"

"You could always do something else."

He smiles. "Maybe."

"Coz I hate my job, see."

Howard looks at me, eyes wary and slightly confused. "What?"

"Well, it's really shit right? But now you won't be as happy in your job so maybe we could find somewhere new together! It'll be just you and me, like before…"

"Is that what this is all about?" Howard asks, his eyes flashing with anger. "Don't you get it, Vince? I don't **need** you!"

"Well I fucking need you!" my voice is louder than I intended, and there's a surprised silence. Howard's eyes widen slightly, and he gazes at me searchingly. "Look at me, Howard!" I gesture at myself; at the out of fashion clothes I can't afford to replace, the scuffed boots. "Look at me! I'm in a dead end job working for a man who hates me, I barely earn minimum wage, I'm living with a sex mad drunk…I'm falling apart, Howard." I smile sadly. Howard says nothing. "Then look at you. You've got a flat you love. Your dream job. Friends who wont desert you if you do something stupid like wear last week's hat or some shit like that. You **don't** need me. I know I didn't realise that before. I know I used to take you for granted. But look at us now; you're a success and I'm just…washed up."

"Don't say that, Vince…"

"Why not? It's true. Even you don't want to be with me anymore."

"It's not that…"

"It's that you don't trust me, though."

Howard hangs his head. "Vince, if I've learned anything these past couple of weeks it's that I think I can trust you."

"But…?"

"It's been a long time, Vince. I've changed. For the better, I'd like to think. I don't want to fall back into the way I used to be when I was with you. Just a 'sidekick'."

"But you wouldn't be! I've changed too, Howard. I…I know I treated you like shit, acted like I was superior. But I'm not, I know that now. You were never really my sidekick, because in comics or whatever, the hero can function just fine without the sidekick. We were partners."

Howard closes his eyes, as though locked in some internal battle. He opens them again and bites his lip. "I'd like you to leave."

"What?"

"Can you get out of my flat please?"

"Howard!"

"I…you have no idea what it was like for me, Vince. After I left; it was like…I had no direction anymore. I had to work so hard to get where I am now, but there was a point…I hit rock bottom Vince. I had to literally claw my way back from the brink, and I can't do that again."

"But these past few weeks…haven't you enjoyed them? Haven't you liked seeing me again?"

"Yes, but…" he looks angry again, but it doesn't feel like the anger's directed at me. "It's different!"

"How?"

"It just is!"

I can feel a strange, tense feeling in my chest, like I'm gonna explode. I've only felt it this bad once before; about three days after The Argument when I realised Howard really wasn't coming back. "You can't leave me. Not again."

"You pushed me away."

"But I'm not now, am i? You're doing this all on your own! You know what your problem is? You can't bear to admit you might be wrong!"

"Get out."

"Howard…"

"I said, get out!"

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean…"

"Out!" he grabs my arm and sort of frog marches me to the door, pulling it open. "Give me one good reason to think any differently, Vince! One good reason why I should let you mess up my life again. You cant, can you? You can't even think of a reason why I should…"

"BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!" I practically scream at him. Howard gives a funny sort of gulp and his eyebrows raise so high I'm surprised they're still attached to his face. The silence is deafening.

I didn't mean to say that. Oh, shit I so did not mean to say that, it just slipped out. This is not good; this is so not good…

"I…what?"

And it's true, I realise. I always loved him as a friend, but now… "I love you."

Howard shoots a look into the corridor outside as if worried the neighbours might be listening. He slowly closes the door, then leans his forehead against it, back to me.

"Howard?" He doesn't reply. Oh God, what have I done? He was angry before, but nothing compared to the night he left. He'd have come around, we'd have made up. But now…why did I have to tell him that? I could've just said I _like_ you, or I _miss_ you, or I love _spending time with_ you. But no, I had to open my big fat mouth and tell him I love him; like some sort of demented stalker. I swallow nervously, and lay a hand tentatively on his shoulder. "Howard?"

He spins round and looks at me, but it's like he's not really _seeing_ me…and suddenly I'm backed against the wall with Howard's tongue down my throat. How the hell did that happen?

Not that I'm complaining mind you. I know I shouldn't do this, not when he's still angry. I can feel it in his kiss, in the way he grips my wrists so tightly. He's furious.

But it's Howard. It's me and Howard and it's everything I've ever dreamed of…

He spins me round and forces me into the opposite wall, lips still locked on mine. He's pressing against me so hard it hurts, but I don't care. I like to think I'm giving back as good as I'm getting.

I arch my hips against him, making him moan deep in his throat, and he suddenly moves, dragging me through into the bedroom.

I don't know how the hell this happened. To be honest I'm not sure what _is_ happening. But it's hard to keep my thoughts coherent now I'm lying on the bed with Howard straddling me.

He releases my mouth and transfers his attention to my neck, biting and sucking my skin. I gasp in a mixture of pleasure and pain as a wave of ecstasy washes over me. "Howard…" I breathe.

"Shut up." he growls against my skin, and I shiver and bite my lip to force myself to be silent.

He rips off my shirt (that's the second time someone's taken it off tonight. But to be honest I can't even remember ever wanting Jason to. I can't even remember wanting Jason…), and then my jeans. Then he kisses me again, his hands digging into my hips so hard I'm sure it's going to bruise. But as he once again he begins his ministrations on my flesh, I find it hard to care. This is everything…

…

…and then suddenly it's over. We're both lying there panting for breath.

I don't understand. That was everything I've wanted for so long. So why don't I feel happy? I glance over at Howard and when a passing car outside briefly reveals his face I realise why.

He regrets it.

Because this, me and him, it wouldn't work. How could it? I'm not right for him, I never was, and I never could be…this isn't fair. Am I really that awful a person? Do I not deserve a good thing in my life?

I can't stop myself from crying, turning away so Howard won't notice…

"Vince?"

I say nothing, can't trust myself to speak because he'll hear the tears in my voice. Although that doesn't do any good because he sits up and sees them for himself.

"Oh God…" he flips on his bedside light and looks at me; takes in the bruises on my arms and my hips, the bite marks on my neck. "Vince I'm so sorry. I…I don't know what came over me…"

"It's not that…" I don't know what else to say. It isn't because he hurt me. I mean, he did hurt me but I don't mind. How can I explain that I'm crying because I've realised that after all this time thinking he's what I needed, I've realised he's the only thing I can never have? "I should go."

"Don't. Please don't. We should talk, we should…"

"I don't think we need to." I sniff, looking around for my jeans. "Because Ella was right, Howard, you don't need me in your life. Everything I touch turns bad and I won't do that to you, I'm not good enough for you, I…" I break down in a fresh fit of sobs, and suddenly Howard's stood beside me with his arms around me, holding me.

"Hey…shh…" he lifts my face so he can look into my eyes. "Never," he says softly, and kisses my forehead, "think," he kisses my nose, "you're not," kisses my cheek, "good enough", kisses my other cheek, "for me."

And then he's kissing me again, properly kissing me, but not like before. This time it's sweet and slow and gentle…and I don't deserve it. I pull away with a small hiccup, but Howard doesn't let me go. "Howard…"

"What've I done to you?" he whispers, stroking my hair. "I never stopped loving you, Vince."

It takes a little while for that to filter through my brain. "What?"

"I love you. I never stopped loving you. I thought I had, thought I'd moved on, but…you know I said Ella and I had a row? It's because she told me it was either you or her. And I couldn't lose you again…"

"But…you left and I…"

"In the past, little man. Let's leave it there, hey?"

"And the future?" I look into his eyes and he smiles.

"The future looks good from where I'm standing."

He kisses me again, and lips locked he pulls me back down onto the bed…

…and it's even better than I wanted.

**

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**

Two months later

The girl glances back at Howard with a smile as she leaves.

"Look at you, flirting with the customers!" I say, resting my chin on his shoulder and grinning up at him.

"It's not my fault, Vince; I can't help it that I'm naturally charming. Girls just fall at my feet."

"Shame you're taken really, isn't it?"

"Oh I don't know. I quite like it." he teases, kissing me softly. "Now, come on little man, stock taking."

"Oh Howard, but that's boring!"

"It's an important part of retail, Vince! You knew that when we made this decision."

'This decision' was buying the old Nabootique. I know, I know you should always move forwards, but…we needed to get a new flat, there was no way the both of us could live at Howard's. We looked at loads, but then I saw that this place and the flat above was up for sale again and…call me an old romantic, but it felt like fate. And Howard agreed (about buying it, not the fate part. As if I'd tell him that, it sounds well strange!), so here we are.

It's not a second hand shop anymore though; Howard had big plans to build up some sort of jazz emporium. Surprisingly, it's done pretty well (although I think that's down to the Electro-rock section I made him put in. I had to be _very_ persuasive…not that I'm complaining…).

I can't believe how well everything's worked out actually. I'm back in the flat I love, with the man I love, and I'm doing a job I love. I chucked in my job with Jefferson as soon as I could (you should have seen his face when I told him, in graphic detail, exactly where he could stuff his job. Priceless!), and I couldn't be happier. Howard's going to keep working at the jazz club, part time. It's a bit awkward, because Ella still works there, but who cares?

Because we're together. And it's not like it used to be. It's better.

The shop bell dings.

"Alright guys?"

"Hey Naboo." Howard says cheerfully. He turns back to talk to me and then pauses, staring at me as we both realise who just walked in. Simultaneously we turn our heads to look at him again. "Naboo?"

"What're you doing here?" I ask, "What happened to Spain?"

"Oh we had to leave. _Someone_…" he glares over his shoulder as Bollo walks in behind him, "…had a disagreement with some of the locals and…well…we were run out of town."

"People still do that?"

"You don't know what he did."

"Not my fault." Bollo grumbles.

"So…you're back in England then? For good?"

"Looks like it."

"What'll you do?"

He shrugs. "Dunno. Thought maybe I'd work in Dixons."

I look over at Howard, an idea forming in my mind.

He realises what I'm thinking straight away. "No. No way."

"Come on, Howard, it'd be genius!"

"Vince…" he says warningly. I grin at him.

"What about if I…" I glance at Naboo and Bollo, who are watching curiously, and whisper something deliciously dirty that I would do for him in Howard's ear. I giggle when I pull back and see he's gone slightly flushed and he blinks at me.

"Well…" he smirks at me, "we'll have to wait and see. Naboo? Bollo? Would you like to meet for a drink later?"

I smile. Maybe Naboo won't take up our offer to work here. To be honest, I'm not sure he'd cope well with having Howard as a boss (although we could make him pay for all the stuff he made us do at the Nabootique…hey, that's a good idea actually. I'll have to plot with Howard later…) but even if he doesn't it doesn't matter. Because I'm back amongst the people that matter to me. My friends. My lover.

And I'll never be stupid enough to let that go again.

**

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Hope you all liked it :)

**I have so many drafts of this chapter saved on my computer; it was so hard for me to write! And about 3 different endings…so I hope you all enjoyed the one I chose!**

**Reviews keep me warm coz my heating's broken x**


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